Belichize (BEL-a-chyz), verb, to take the easy and wrong lesson from a success story.
Blatt (BLATT), verb, the act of continuing to talk on the cell phone after the call has been dropped.
Clemenate (KLEM-a-nayt), verb, to hate an athlete in an entirely healthy, fun sports way (rather than hating them in a crazed, stalking, loaded gun, insane sort of way).
Diloneism (Di-lo-NAY-ism), noun, the misguided belief that your success is directly attributable to what is actually your biggest weakness.
E-migo (EE-mee-go), noun, a friend you have never really met and don’t really know but keep up with through various Internet means such as email, instant messaging and Facebook.
Fanbole (FAN-bow-lee), noun, a sweeping, exaggerated and often ludicrous sports statement that a fan makes when under the influence of an emotional sports event (and perhaps various substances).
Idoca (EYE-doh-kah), noun, an exclamation made when prompted by something so uninteresting to you that you cannot summon the passion to enunciate the entire phrase: ‘I don’t care.
The Gloaden Rule:
1. Use Ross Gload correctly, he will help your team win games.
2. Use Ross Gload incorrectly, he will get you fired.
Gleng (GLENG), verb, the act of pulling the car door handle at precisely the same instant that driver is attempting to unlock the door, thus nullifying the unlock action. Example: If you gleng one more time, man, I’m going to just leave you here.
The Hitler As Symbol Chart
Rule 1: It is never a good idea to invoke the name of Hitler to make an unrelated sports-related point — or any unrelated point.
Rule 2: However, if you plan going to bring up Hitler in historical context, see Rule 1.
Rule 3: In certain rare cases, when you are interested in using Hitler to prove a larger truth, see Rule 1.
Rule 4: The one exception to this is … See Rule 1.
Rule 5: Yeah. Rule 1. Always.
Hotel Rwanda Syndrome: Involves a movie that you really want to see when the mood is right … only the mood is never right.
Jeterate (JEET-ur-ayt), verb, to praise someone for something which he or she is entirely unworthy of praise.
Missage (MISS-ij), noun, the awkward and pointless voice mail message you leave on someone’s cell phone at precisely the same instant that the person is calling you back. Example: “So, listen, ARRR, that’s you calling me back on the other line, so you can just ignore this.”
Perquist [PURR-kwist], adj., a golf shot that does not go into the hole and, as such, falls short of perfection. But is still, like, a really skillful shot.
Pixifood (PIKZ-ee-food), noun: Any food substance that is highly pleasant to the taste as a child and tastes shockingly unpleasant once you become an adult.
Pribbie (PRI-bee), noun. A padded or pointless RBI, usually coming at the end of of a blowout game. Baseball fans will usually say that a player they don’t like gets a lot of pribbies.
Pozterisk (PAHZ-tur-isk), noun. An aside that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything but is thrown into the middle of the story because the author thinks it’s funny.
Pujols (POO-hols), verb. To thoroughly silence a sports crowd.
Solidy Start (SAHL-uh-dee start), noun. When a pitcher throws exactly six innings and allows exactly three earned runs.
The Tao of Clutchiness — The philosophy that some players are made of stronger stuff than the rest of us and become better players when the situation demands it.
Tosmos (TAHZ-moze), noun. Television shows that you have never actually seen but know the complete plot based entirely on commercials, word of mouth and diffusion.
Trailer Knowledge, noun. The thin knowledge of any bit of entertainment — movie, television show, book, etc. — that is gained solely by watching the trailer.
Twex (Tweks), verb. To tweet something instantly, emotionally and without almost immediate regret. Can also be the noun to describe the tweet as in, “Yeah, sorry about that twex, I didn’t mean it.”
Vegas Walk, noun. A walk that, by all appearances, promises to be relatively short but ends up being preposterously long. Example: “Sorry I’m late, but I decided to get a little exercise and that turned out to be a Vegas Walk.”
Volumate, verb. The act of necessarily using the remote control to constantly regulate the volume — raising it and lowering it as needed — while watching a DVD.